I didn’t want to give up one. more. thing.

Before my injury I used to teach fitness classes at the gym, yoga, pilates, weights - I loved it. I loved working on my health.

After my injury I was lost. I didn't know how to be anymore. Chocolate, sweets, and an angry "my body let me down so I hate it" attitude lead to gaining 90#.

I wanted to have a different body. I thought if I could think positive, or had the "strength to be healed" I wouldn't be in a wheelchair.

But that thinking didn't help. It made me sink into a deep self hatred. Which doesn't make anything better.

I put on a brave face, trying to be the “positive during trials” person so I wouldn’t be given advice about “how to look on the bright side…”

I kept doing Zumba because I love it. Exercising in my wheelchair, dancing my heart out to some fun songs, I lost myself in the music. Because of my disability I can’t do as much Zumba as I would like, but what I can do, I absolutely love.

But I didn't quit eating too much comfort food because I loved it and it made me feel, I guess, comforted? Food was easy, always there, delicious, and honestly giving up a cookie or candy bar didn’t make me skinny right away, so I didn’t want to.

What’s weird to me, is that the more I accepted my body the way it was, accepted that I couldn’t change my body with magical thinking and that it wasn’t my fault that I’m disabled, the more joy I found. The more at peace I was. The less I apologized for not being healed yet. I found a community of wheelchair users online and it has been so wonderful for my soul. It made me feel proud and I started seeing myself as I am now, not as a girl who couldn’t heal herself.

I started accepting my body the way it was. I turned to God for help and understanding. I now know God has been with me the whole time and there is a purpose in all things.

As I accepted my circumstances, I wanted to take good care of my body. I could see my future. I wasn’t just enduring another painful day to get through it, I was living it. Every day is painful, but that’s ok. (I mean it sucks, but, that’s the acceptance piece).

Eating whatever I wanted wasn’t making me feel good, so I changed that. I mean, I haven't given up chocolate, but I don't eat it like I used to. I want to nourish my body with good foods because it helps me.

I probably will always fight my weight, but that’s ok, too. It means being aware of what I'm eating and making sure I exercise. But now I feel like my body and I are good friends. Most of the time.